About 3 or 4 years ago I had a conversation with a mentor of mine at the time. They were about to leave the company and we were having a candid chat about what the future could hold. I was a relatively new senior director, having been promoted about 6 or so months prior, and I was already eager to map the path to getting that VP next to my name.

What she said to me was eye opening. It amounted to “You might be too kind to get that here”.

I sat with that for a long time.

It wasn’t the first time I’d been given some flavor of feedback that amounted to “you’re too nice” or “be more direct”. Lots of code for - be someone who you aren’t.

This leader wasn’t saying that though, she was being very honest with me about a systemic reality I was navigating. It wasn’t “be someone else”. It was “is that the success you really want?”

Corporate America can really get under your skin. And I say that as someone who thrived in it for quite a long time and truly believes you can build positive experiences there. Still, there are all manner of compromises and messiness that you end up juggling. But the most sinister thing is how it breaks the way you think about success.

Not to be all “cats in the cradle” about it - but why did I want that VP promotion so badly? I knew what it would come with, and it wasn’t just money and stock options. It was long long hours. It was making decisions that would at times be counter to my values. It was playing a game where in fact, I would need to be less kind.

But what if success was different? What if it meant working with other kind, smart, passionate people? What if it meant going birding on the weekends and visiting my nephews? What if it meant building relationships that last?

It can be tempting, and in some cases it is actually a necessity, to just leave. But for many that’s a luxury, a privilege that isn’t so easy to take on. What you can leave behind more easily and without sacrificing your healthcare, is the mindset.

For me, I did this about a year after that first conversation. I had a new leader who I was trying to build that VP path promotion with when I got a text message at around 3 in the afternoon. A friend of mine had passed away. And I was gutted.

I won’t go into all the self reflection details here. The short story of it is this: I lost someone I cared about deeply. I hadn’t spoken to them in several months. I felt an enormous amount of guilt on top of grief.

Also, I stopped caring about that promotion. It was the start of a shift in my brain, where peace and people recentered themselves. I didn’t jump ship, but I rejiggered how I was thinking about my work, my team, and my future.

If you were here last month, you know how strongly I believe in values driven team leadership. If not, go check out that volume for tips on getting started with value definition. It was the same year I lost my friend that I really locked in on that. Since then, defining values has been an anchor point for any team I work with - and that includes the team that is me and my unhelpful cats here at KSF headquarters.

Here’s what those values are - the driving force behind what I’m building:

I’m reflecting on these every month - and using them daily to drive decisions. Operating that way makes living the values transformative and joyful.

No numbers or statistics today, because this isn’t really about that. It’s about each of us, individually, and the journey we’re all on. If you are sitting at your desk today feeling exhausted, dreading the next meeting, and wishing you could just go home and pet your dog, cat, fish, houseplant. Friends, I have been there and it was a big signal that I needed to do something different.

Let me finish with this - what I think might be the biggest success of my corporate career. A few weeks ago I had a call with an old boss. The person who hired me for my first proper corporate job - a place where I stayed for a decade. We were reminiscing about the team we’d built then and how very special it was. We never mentioned the platforms we rearchitected or the cost savings we generated even once. What we talked about was the relationships we built.

Later that day I was back in a group-chat with that team - spread all over the world - and they welcomed me with such warmth and care.

Can’t imagine a better corporate success than that.

All the best,

Ray

PS: If that exhaustion and dread sounded uncomfortably familiar to you, please reach out. No one has a magic wand, but my frameworks are designed to help teams create scaffolding to lessen that pain. I’d love to help.

PPS: You may have noticed that this month’s edition looks a bit different. One part of running a values aligned business is sometimes you have to make a difficult decision, in this case that meant leaving Substack. Not to dwell, but the content moderation practices ultimately were making me increasingly uncomfortable. I’ve transitioned to Beehiiv for the Alignment Lab going forward. Rest easy, as the hard stuff was all on my side - no changes required for you - the Lab will keep landing in your inbox smoothly as ever.

Did this resonate with you? Pass it along!

This month from the cats of KSF. Archie practicing glamour shots and showing off all the whiskers.